Powerful Parenting: Simple and Effective Ways to Talk to Your Kids

by Tysen on July 28, 2012

 

 

 

TOPIC: “What to Say and Not Say to Kids”

Our children begin to develop their self-concept by how we value them. The foundation of which begins in childhood and exists into adulthood. One of the most consistent ways we let them know how we value them is by the things we say. Since those things we say cannot be taken back, it’s important to be purposeful in our language. So, let’s talk about some things to skip and some things to include when speaking to our kids.
Basic Points:

1. Kids, especially under age 13, will take most of what you say literally, so avoid or eliminate sarcasm.
2. Avoid statements that will create insecurity.
3. Look for opportunities to make validating statements.

8 Things you should never say to your kids (In no particular order):

Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/cousin/friend/etc.?: Damages their sense of individuality. Engenders a sense that they are not “good enough” just being themselves. Discourages a desire for personal development. Causes sibling rivalry and jealousy.
What is wrong with you?: Starts them thinking that there is something wrong with them, that they are flawed. Creates self-blame and depression. Can become an obsession and an excuse.
This isn’t that hard. Why don’t you get it?: Learning is different for each kid. You need to be sure of their developmental level and personal strengths and weaknesses. You’re probably explaining things that are above their learning ability, or are abstract concepts that they aren’t able to comprehend yet. If the issue at hand is age-appropriate they may need a little more time or alternative explanation. Be patient, kids don’t learn as fast as adults. Making them feel stupid will discourage most kids from wanting to learn.
That’s Stupid/Dumb: You might as well tell the kid that you think they’re stupid because that’s what they’ll hear. They’re behaviors and statements are extensions of themselves. A better way to address the issue would be to say, “This behavior is not appropriate for this situation…” followed by the reason/s why.

“When I was your age…” Not the worst statement, but it discounts the child’s unique situation, creates a sense that you don’t relate to your child, and indirectly implies that you think you were a better kid when you were young you’re your child is. Tells them that they don’t measure up.
Seriously? What were you thinking?: Very invalidating! Evaluate their behavior, not their internal thoughts or emotions.
Get out of my house!: Most often said to teens. Many parents want to emphasize that the teen is not in charge and needs to change their behavior, so just say that. This phrase is going to make the feel that you don’t care about them and in return they are likely to start not caring about you in return as a way of protecting themselves emotionally.
I hate you!: Never ok. If they feel that you hate or dislike them they will not like themselves. You probably mean that you hate their behavior, but drop the word hate from your vocabulary and address the behavior directly using less angry and aggressive language.
3 Things you should say often…
Good Job! Well Done!: Believe it or not, they need your feedback to identify their successes and take personal ownership of them. This is the foundation of genuine self-esteem.
How are you?: Conveys the message that you like them and are concerned with their personal well-being. It also encourages self-reflection and open communication which will come in handy as they become teenagers.
I love you!: Seems like a no-brainer, but make eye contact and say it often. This will convey that they are someone worthy of love and will begin their foundation of self-respect.